Failing Faith
by Little.Miss.Xanda
Summary: Faith is difficult to hang on to, especially when everything around you is falling apart


**Disclaimer: **This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling. No money is being made

**Beta**: The wonderful **Wren Gebel**

Written for Quidditch League Competition – Round One

**Prompt - Write about your CAPTAIN's favorite pairing/character**

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**Failing Faith**

"Stop it!" he shouted, "Can't you see that this is the only way?"

"The only way?" she yelled right back, long past trying to keep it quiet so that their one year old baby wouldn't wake.

"Yes, the only way," he stated firmly.

Lily could see the truth in his eyes. James truly believed that it was the only way.

"It can't be, James," she was almost pleading. "How can abandoning all our friends be the only way? How can leaving our life be the only way?"

"You call this life?" he snarled, "When was the last time we had a life, Lily? We have been imprisoned in our own home."

"We aren't imprisoned. It's for our safety, for Harry's safety."

"What I'm doing is for our safety, what I'm planning on doing."

"You're planning to run!" she screamed.

"Yes! And I would pick that option over staying here like sitting ducks _every_ time!"

"What about our friends?" she knew it was a low blow, she knew how close he was to them but she had to get her point across.

James expression closed off completely and she hated seeing that look directed at her. It was his battle face, the one he had every time he had to go up against Death Eaters. It pained her more than anything that he would have that expression around her.

"I would pick Harry over anyone else. Every single time."

She couldn't help but love him just a little more. She couldn't have wished for a better father for their little boy.

"Please, James," she whispered. "Don't you see that I'm thinking about him as well? What kind of life would he have if we were constantly on the run? Do you think he'll stop coming after us just because we ran?"

James looked startled for a fraction of a second. His eyes looking warmer than they had a second before.

"So- so you don't want to stay because of the war?" he sounded almost pleased.

"The war?" she couldn't help but ask.

"Yes. The war. Dumbledore's war," he sneered, his expression bitter.

James couldn't really help it. It was hard to see the man he had once thought so highly of as an evil only slightly better than Voldemort, but he couldn't help but see him just like that.

Dumbledore wasn't the one on the battlefield seeing his friends, his family, being slaughtered.

Now that James was older, and not so blinded by the Light, he could see. He could see how he and his friends were molded into effective soldiers. It sickened him to know that he was only one out of hundreds that had suffered the same fate.

Both sides were as bad as each other and he just couldn't take it any more, especially now that he had Harry.

Harry deserved better than this blood soaked world they were creating.

He couldn't fight any more for a cause he didn't believe in. He couldn't continue to shed blood and tears for a man he didn't have faith in.

That's why he wanted to run, to leave. Anything would be better than what they had now. An opportunity to start a new life, an opportunity to be away from all of this. That was all that he wanted, a better life for his family, especially Harry who was an innocent in all of this.

"James," Lily murmured and he looked back at her, falling captive to those emerald orbs, "I've lost faith in what we are fighting for a long time ago," she confessed and he felt his heart stop.

Could it be? Could she truly feel the same?

"I think the only reason I kept fighting was because I couldn't stand to see you go out there alone. I- I know I shouldn't feel like this, I know that. But, James... how many children has the Order killed? How many innocents were caught in the crossfire? This ceased to be a war between good and evil a long time ago."

"There's no Good in war," James whispered.

"No," she agreed, "There isn't."

He took a shuddering breath and held his arms up for her, not even a second later she was holding him tightly just as much as he was holding her.

"I'm scared," he confessed, hating how weak he sounded but knowing that if there was someone in the world who he could show weakness to it was her.

"So am I," she whispered back, and he could feel her tears on his neck and it broke his heart.

"We'll stay," he ended up saying and he felt her sagging against him, "For Harry. That's the only reason, Lily," and it was. He didn't care about the war, about the British wizarding world, about the cause. He cared about none of it, only about his family.

"I know. That's all I want."

He kissed her forehead and held her tenderly, enjoying the comfort that she was so willing to give him.

"I'll fight," he added.

"What?" it was a raspy whisper and he felt her arms tighten around him.

"I have to," he told her, "I have to."

"Why?" he could hear the heartbreak and he hated himself for causing her so much pain.

"I need to do something to make this war end faster. Anything, Lily. I can't stay here. I just- I just can't."

"Please, please, not right now," she begged. "Wait till Harry's two, at least. Just- just wait a little longer."

He closed his eyes, hiding the resignation shinning in his expressive hazel orbs.

"Alright," he agreed, "I'll wait until he's two."


End file.
